Introduction
When my husband and I decided to get married, we knew what we were getting ourselves into. For all its wonder, our interracial marriage is about doing it on our own terms while somewhat adapting to Indonesia’s religiously conservative culture.
Regarded as multiculturalism in its fullest expression, interracial marriages are still fraught with challenges in Indonesia. While each marriage – with its own set of unique dynamics – is not free from problems, navigating an interracial one can be especially tricky as couples must steer through a complex maze of cultural and legal hurdles.
Interracial marriage is not a new phenomenon in Indonesia: it dates back to the Dutch colonial era. Back then, this practice highlighted the existing racial inequality, with Indo-Europeans – the offspring of Dutch men and Indonesian women – not enjoying the same social status as their full Dutch counterparts. The famous novel Bumi Manusia (This Earth of Mankind) captures some of these dynamics.
Today, as the world becomes even more connected, we can safely assume that mixed marriage is on the rise in Indonesia—although, unfortunately, I cannot find a comprehensive dataset to confirm this. Even more elusive is the data that shows whether these marriages are successful or not.
Cultural Aspects
For any marriage to succeed, whether interracial or not, the three Cs are crucial: communication, compatibility and compromise.
“Communication” is arguably the most critical aspect in an interracial marriage, where language barriers can pose significant challenges. While one might argue that today’s relationships can rely on tools like Google Translate, it is unthinkable for this marriage to be as fulfilling as it could be with direct communication. Language is far more nuanced than simple word-by-word translation and misunderstandings might arise from not sharing a common language.
Living through a mixed marriage is also the ultimate test of “Compatibility”, especially if one marries someone else from an entirely different culture.
Those of us who are fortunate enough in our romantic pursuit know all too well that love, however strong, is not enough to sustain a marriage. That initial “butterfly in the stomach” feeling – if it even exists in the first place – does not last.
For a marriage to thrive, there needs to be a shared vision and mutual interests. Coming from different cultures, interracial couples can consider themselves lucky if they align on most issues.
In my marriage, something so common and acceptable in Indonesia can be viewed completely differently by my husband.
Coming from a more “individualistic” Western culture, my husband often struggles to understand why I spend so much effort to please others and leave a good impression on my family as well as society. He struggles to fully comprehend the concept of shared communal responsibility either, shaking his head when I donate money to help someone I barely know.
Issues like this may seem trivial, but they can soon form an exhaustive list and subsequently cause friction, especially if we do not take a step back and talk about them, allowing each to understand the other’s point of view.
How each spouse views the hierarchy in their marriage is also a determinant of compatibility. Traditional Indonesian society tends to be more “patriarchal”, where a wife’s submission to her husband might be seen as non-negotiable (though, hopefully, this is changing), while equality might be more common in Western culture. If one spouse is more traditional than the other, it would be more challenging to find common ground.
Marriage is, after all, a contract, much like politics; it involves power dynamics, albeit with an added element of love. Depending on whom you ask, the balance of love and power in a marriage can vary.
I have personally heard a horror story from a friend who was in an abusive relationship with a foreign husband. She relocated to his country and quickly realized that he was an exceedingly patriarchal figure, controlling everything she could or could not do. She began to question her dependence as her personality gradually shifted from bubbly and independent to frightened and powerless.
This raises questions about protection in interracial marriages. Where can you go if you are in trouble? Could you rely on your country’s embassy? To what extent can they help realistically?
“Compromise” is another crucial factor in any marriage, but it is rarely equal. In a perfect world, we would expect that both partners would compromise equally. However, in reality, it is often the “flexible” partner who ends up making more sacrifices to meet the requirements of the “rigid” one.
Most Indonesians view marriage as not just about two people in love; it is about joining two families. The opposite is true in some Western cultures, where marriage is seen as a decision made by two individuals. This is why compromise is an especially important factor here, seeing as a marriage of two people from opposite cultures may not have the best stable foundation to begin with.
However, the challenge is exponentially higher for interfaith couples. To date, interfaith marriages continue to be frowned upon. The legality of such marriages in Indonesia is not clear-cut. Indonesia’s Marriage Act leaves it to the religious authorities to decide whether an interfaith marriage is permitted. Meanwhile, the Indonesian Ulama Council’s (MUI) Fatwa 4/2005 deems interfaith marriage haram (forbidden).
Of course, one can use legal loopholes to allow interfaith marriages, but even if the couple decides to marry, they may still face disapproval, especially from conservative family members.
This, however, has not stopped interfaith marriages from taking place in the country, as even high-profile individuals practice it. Moreover, it has also been portrayed in popular culture, such as the highly entertaining movie Bu Tejo Sowan Jakarta (Mrs. Tejo Visits Jakarta).
It is not an option for all couples owing to the hardship it might present. What often ends up happening is that the more “flexible” partner converts to Islam to marry an Indonesian Muslim, just as my husband and the husbands of some of my friends did.
I once asked my husband what I would need to do to be accepted by his family, and he could not give any response—this implies I do not need to compromise much! Of course, my story does not represent all interracial marriages, as many Indonesians might have to give up a lot more to feel accepted.
Furthermore, Indonesian women are often subjected to a stereotype—that if they marry a “white” person, they must be a “bule-hunter”, a derogatory term for someone who seeks out relationships with white foreigners mainly for financial gain and social status.
Several of my friends have experienced this form of racism from fellow Indonesians. This stereotype is thus a form of collective punishment for a “crime” that one does not personally commit.
Legal Hurdles
Interracial couples in Indonesia face numerous legal hurdles.
The first is concerning Indonesian laws that regulate land ownership, which restrict ownership to Indonesian citizens with some exceptions.
Without a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement specifying the separation of assets, it is unclear whether the Indonesian spouse can own land in their name after marriage. This is because, without such agreements, any property acquired after the marriage will be considered as joint marital property, on which the foreign spouse is legally not allowed to hold ownership.
In many cases, interracial couples end up having prenuptial agreements, especially if they want to acquire land after marriage. However, it means that the foreign spouse could be left with nothing in case of divorce, as everything would be under the Indonesian spouse’s name. This lack of legal protection for the foreign spouse has been a significant concern for many years.
The second is the gray area over whether and how foreign spouses could earn income under spousal visa. Technically, under a spousal temporary stay permit (KITAS), the foreign spouse can “help” or participate in the Indonesian spouse’s business venture but without officially receiving any salary. However, this opens up possibilities for exploitation, with the risk of deportation over those who are caught exploiting such a loophole.
Dual citizenship is another concern. Indonesia requires individuals to renounce their current citizenship if they wish to obtain Indonesian citizenship and vice versa for Indonesians wishing to obtain foreign citizenship. Adding children to the mix makes the situation even more complicated.
Where is the Data?
As I am writing this piece, I cannot find comprehensive statistics on Indonesian mixed marriages. Marital data is usually very localized, as marriages are conducted and registered at local religious or civil offices. Even the rules and requirements regarding interracial marriages in Indonesia are not standardized; they vary depending on the office where the marriage is registered.
Without good data, developing policies that truly reflect the realities on the ground is almost impossible. The (not-so) low-hanging fruit would be to compile data from all provinces on interracial marriages, including the total number of marriages, who is getting married, how many and reasons for divorces.
Final Thoughts
Despite all these challenges, Indonesians are culturally evolving. The younger generation is more likely to speak English, opening up more possibilities for interracial marriages that are less culturally bound.
Increased awareness of these issues may hopefully incentivize the government to implement fairer and better policies for interracial couples. Each of us desires happiness and a successful marriage might just be one way to achieve it.
As it stands now, for lack of a better word, my husband is stuck in a precarious enigma without sufficient legal protection in Indonesia, despite his long list of compromises. Well, I suppose that is what love is.
